One day we’ll be old
I see life as something that may be defined so as to either allow or disallow the presence of loops. But what if the one trying to define, not his/her own life, but the life of somebody else is wrong?
We have all been children and our parents have been struggling, more or less, the same way we do now, for a better life. Some might have been overwhelmed with problems, some might have forgotten their own childhood struggles and some might have even tried to understand their children and to provide the best environment (in their perception) for them to grow up. I refuse to believe there are good and/or bad parents. I am convinced that there are only billions of mentalities and different ways different people have been raised themselves and that these differences, seen from somebody else’s perspective, sometimes seem to be a little bit twisted. It’s certainly not the fault of any child that the parents got divorced (which reminds me, some months ago I used to very often think about how much a child can lose the benefits of growing up with both parents, how defenseless and helpless it is when facing a cruel reality like that) or that a parent has died, or that both parents left him/her in an orphanage. Excluding the case of death, it’s not any child’s fault that he was born in a family that doesn’t manage to get over struggles in a rational way. But it is for sure some parents’ fault that they get to think they have the right to (99% of the times unintentionally) harm their children. Why the fuck should you tell a child that his father/mother is an asshole? Why should you make a child who clearly loves both of his/her parents have to chose between them
or and worse, why should you choose for that child what parent he will be allowed to live with and what parent he shouldn’t see more than, say, 4 days per month?
Have we really come so far that we like to think we own everything? Even our children and their future?
Disallowing the presence of loops in our life isn’t that easy as it sounds. Let’s take for example a child who has went through a divorce and many rounds of arguments between his parents. Do you really think that the little brain of that child can process so much information at once? Do you really think that the little heart of that same child is made of stone? Either the brain, nor the heart will have the power to simply get over it and move on. Because a child’s world is so much simpler than that of a grownup. A child’s perception on life is so basic and so rudimentary, that this little human will not be capable of distinguishing bad from good and wrong from right without first being thought how to do it. But did you ever wonder that your right could mean someone else’s wrong? Or vice-versa?
Let’s take for example a mother who loves her boy so badly, that she only thinks about his wellbeing. Nothing twisted so far, right? But what if I told you that this loving mother starts to intervene in her boy’s life because she thinks, or has been told by her offspring himself, whom she still sees as a child, that he lives a miserable life because of his girlfriend,wife, life mate, call her as you wish? What if this decision to intervene is based on her own passed struggles? Yes, she was once abandoned. She has once lost a battle, but not the war. She continued fighting. For her child. She is a single mother who has given up her life for the life of her child. Or so she thought. And now, regardless of her child having his own child, tries to convince her grown up boy to leave the woman, the wife, the mother of his child “for a better… (w)l(i)fe”, without thinking, even for a second, that she once felt the pain of a break up. Without even feeling remorse for the fact that another child will grow up seeing his parents live different lives, but still arguing or one of them not caring at all. Had she tried not to intervene, they would have probably divorced anyhow. But maybe the outcome would have been another. So, what if, driven by the common sense that the only one wishing your wellbeing is your family, the man sort of “obeys”? And they go to court and fight for custody. And make calculations and demands and all that both want is revenge, instead of trying to get things right for the child? Where do they stand after some 10 or 20 years or maybe less, the loving mother, the adult boy, the ex? They’re probably doing just fine. Since they are grown ups, they manage to get their guts together and move on, they go to therapy, they meet new people, even the ex knows she must be okay, for she has a child to raise, provided she is granted the opportunity to raise her child. But I think that in the most cases, she will. Will she then become the picky mother-in-law as she grows older? Well, that’s another story to be continued. Now, what about the child? Well, reading articles and talking to people who have spent their childhoods with one parent out of two, you will see, there’s no magic formula for a child. Maybe you consider reading How Does Divorce Affect Children?. We are different and children make no exception. A child who has a strong personality by nature will, as Carolyn puts it, be turned into a survivor. But what if the child has a weaker personality? I found this article about Myths and misperceptions about school bullying by accident and I really think that it makes an educative read. I also liked this one on Rejected Children: Would they have a Strong or Weak Personality? The list could go on and on and on, but that isn’t the point. No matter if strong or weak, these children will be affected by a messy divorce for a lifetime.
We all make mistakes and we all think at some point that we possess the greater truth or that we know better. Therefore, before you make any decisions, please take a moment to think about how your perception on life could harm somebody else. Try to put yourselves in that other person’s shoes and if after doing so you still think you are right and you won’t harm them, do or tell them what you like. If not, try not to mess it up. You’ll see it will be in your and their advantage. Think about it, we all die someday. What really matters is how we live our lives until that moment and how we manage to get our children safe into the world. Because, after all, all that remains of us are our children. Divorced parents, stop thinking about your ambitions and try to give those children a good start in life, without dragging them into courts and bringing your foolish debates and arguments on to them. You’ll only harm them! They have their entire lives in front of them and didn’t do anything to deserve such handicap.