Outing Eric Robillard, Le Clown, The Magnificent – the predator with the red nose.


Out of the box: reading your dramas is like watching Doomsday Preppers.

Originally posted on "As For Me, I am a watercolor:

le clown admits

In the not so distant past, I was invited to write a story for Black Box Warnings. It was more of a cross-emailing going on – I’d approached Le Clown first and in his reply, explained that Jen had already spoken to him about me. I was ecstatic. I started blogging a few months ago for one purpose: to get my writing hand back in shape in order to begin the grueling process of writing my memoir about growing up under the fist of a sexually abusive, narcissistic sociopathic mother, and then my life with a drug addicted and drug trafficking father whom I didn’t know until I was almost 16. Up until almost a year ago, I’ve only written and published poetry. My declarations were always hidden behind metaphors.  After I publicly outed my mother on a blog created specifically to house her outing which ultimately went viral…

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Part 3 I suppose.

I just woke up. In the middle of the night. I had an awkward dream. Or nightmare? I don’t really know for sure.

My phone rang.

- Hello.

- Delia, why are you bleeding?

- But I’m not!

Then I woke up. I can’t remember anything but this. The oddest thing was that the voice at the other end of the line was my dead father’s. And he sounded as if he were crying or at least about to.

It kind of scared the shit out of me. Not to mention the fact that I can’t sleep now because I have this feeling of psychological discomfort.

Then I found this here: (I will just paste the whole post below because I found it interesting)

In dreams, the departed come calling. They call us on the phone, they email, they show up at the door, they appear right inside our bedrooms, or meet us in a familiar or unfamiliar space. Let’s look at some of the main reasons for these visitations. 

The Dead Come to Seek or Extend Forgiveness

One of the most important things we need to understand in our relations with the deceased is that healing and forgiveness are possible across the apparent barrier of death. This can be the key for people on both sides to heal and get on with their growing.

It sometimes seems as if one of the assignments our departed set for themselves – or have prescribed for them by their coaches and counselors on the Other Side – is to reach back to survivors not only to seek forgiveness and closure but to achieve understanding and balancing. When this succeeds, it can break the family curse of abusive or destructive behaviors passed on from generation to generation.

The Dead Come to Settle Unfinished Business

Brian’s deceased friend appeared in a dream and said with fierce clarity, “Where is that book you took from my library?”

What is “unfinished business” for one of our deceased may extend to achieving a lucid understanding of what happened in the life they have just left, preparatory to moving on to new life experiences. Yeats suggested that in an early and important phase of the afterlife transitions, the dead engage in “Dreaming Back”, revisiting the scenes of their previous life, essentially to get the story straight and understand what is really going on. During the Dreaming Back, they interact with the living, in shared or overlapping dreams.

The Dead Bring a Warning or Health Advisory

Once they are free of their physical bodies and physically-oriented assumptions about the rules of reality, our dead can become extremely helpful and reliable psychic advisers, since they can see across space and time quite easily. We have this ability too, but while we are encased in physical bodies and self-limiting beliefs about physical laws and linear time, we often forget to use our ability to see beyond these things. Departed friends and loved ones very frequently turn up in dreams to pass on health advisories. They are especially sensitive to health problems that tend to run in families.

Our dead may come to us in dreams with warnings and advisories of any kind. The Chinese Book of Zuo relates that the dead father of a general called Han Jue appeared to him on the eve of battle and told him that in the fighting the next day he should avoid veering to either right or left and lead always from the center. The general was victorious in battle, but the enemies’ arrows killed all the men immediately to the right and left of his chariot.

The Dead Return as Guides and Family Angels.

Lucille Ball was devastated when her good friend Carole Lombard died in a plane crash in January 1942. But their friendship continued after Carole’s death. Lucille explained that her decision to take the risk of launching the “I Love Lucy” show on television – that became immensely popular but seemed hugely risky at the time – was guided by her dead friend. Carole Lombard turned up in a very smart suit and said, “Take a chance, honey. Give it a whirl!” Lucille Ball recalled that “After that, I knew for certain that we were doing the right thing.” Later, at a party, she told Clark Gable (who had been married to Carole Lombard) that his long-deceased wife kept turning up in her dreams to offer helpful advice. Clark Gable reportedly “stared, gulped, and plowed off in a daze.”

A young woman I’ll call Kirsty lost her grandmother – a proud, creative, take-charge kind of woman – around the same time she developed a rare and serious illness. She then received a dream visitation from her grandmother, who told her, “I’ve arrange to be around for two more years. You and I have lots of work to do together, Sunshine.” When Kirsty enrolled for an expensive series of therapy sessions, she dreamed that she heard her grandmother’s voice on her answering machine. She did not want to pick up for fear that her grandmother would not really be there. “Pick up, Sunshine,” her grandmother’s voice encouraged her. When Kirsty did so, her grandmother said, “You can save a bunch on those therapy sessions if you meditate on your nickname. You are Sunshine, right? Be Sunshine! Let it stream through every cell in your body!”

With the words, Kirsty felt waves of healing light and energy rolling through her body. She proceeded to make it a practice to sit with the sun and invoke a flow of inner sunlight every day, and this felt profoundly healing. In another dream, Kirsty’s grandmother called to say she was going to help her arrange a move from her apartment in Manhattan to a house with a garden, and trees, and sunlight.

Though Grandma was not visible in the flurry of real estate moves that followed, she had been very adept at this kind of thing, and Kirsty was buoyed by the feeling that she was active behind the scenes. It took less than a week to sell her condo, and she managed the house purchase in just one day. Magic. Grandma called again to say she wanted to support Kirsty in developing a new relationship. Nothing controlling, just a blessing. Kirsty was thrilled to find herself entering a warm and loving new relationship with a man who was not afraid of commitment. Kirsty’s grandmother loved to paint cardinals. At her new house, Kirsty sees them all the time, glorious flashes of bright red among the greens.

The Dead Come to Prepare Us for Death

One of the most important reasons our dead visit us in dreams is to prepare us for our own crossings. It is very reassuring to know that we have friends and escorts on the Other Side. These death guides may include beloved animals, as well as humans, who have shared our lives. Valerie was sitting in her family home, exhausted from taking care of her very ill mother. She was dozing when she felt a presence. She looked up and saw her father, who had died years before. He said nothing, smiled a beautiful radiant smile and held out his hand. Then she saw her mother standing in front of him. Her mother took her father’s hand, and they vanished. When the nursing home called to tell her that her mother had passed, she discovered that he mother had died at the same time she had seen her father come for her in the dream.

The Dead Want to Pass on a Message through Us

The dead may call on us to pass on a message to someone who is disconnected – a person who is not picking up his or her own messages. This is frequently the case when an emergency is impending, and a dead well-wisher urgently wants to get an advisory through to someone who won’t pick up the phone or answer the door. The dead caller will turn to someone else in the neighborhood who is more receptive and may be willing to pass the message along, directly or indirectly. This is likely to work best if the “sensitive” is family or a friend of one or both parties.

But if the message is really urgent, and nobody else is available, the dead caller may try to communicate through someone who is a relative outsider. A great many people approaching death try to blank out their awareness of what is coming, instead of using the last stages of life as an opportunity to get ready for a grand adventure that opens new vistas of growth and learning. The elderly may actively refuse to communicate with departed family and friends, because there is bad blood or, quite simply, because they are trying to avoid their appointment with death.

The Dead Come to Show Us their Realm

One of the most familiar and important reasons the departed appear in our dreams is as guides to the realms beyond physical life. A departed loved one – including a beloved former pet – may be the soul-guide, or psychopomp, who makes it easy for us to approach the big journey beyond physical death with courage and grace.

I have heard many, many accounts of this, and have been blessed to help introduce many dying people to guides with familiar faces from the other side. Here is one: “My father visited my mother looking like he did when he was courting her. She was grieving and he told her he wanted to describe the beautiful valley she would first see. He showed her in a dream a vale filled with wildflowers, birds singing, and a small brook running through. He told her he could not present it the way it really looked, that it was more beautiful than anything she could ever imagine.”

The Dead Come as Guardians and Guides

The ancients believed that the illustrious dead may intervene as daimons or demigods to strengthen and support the living. Plutarch located the base for helpful daimons who were formerly humans in the astral realm of the moon.

The Dead Need Guidance from Us

The dead come calling in our dreams because they need help or guidance from us – often because they are lost or lonely or stuck somewhere not very far away. They of course have guides available on the Other Side, but they may have remained so physically oriented, enmeshed in their dense energy bodies, that they are inclined to trust someone who has a physical body more than a being who does not. Or they may simply be shy about getting to know new people.

Yeats observed, with poetic insight, that “the living have the ability to assist the imaginations of the dead”. I know this to be true, since I have been called on many times to help survivors to assist departed family members to move beyond stuck places by growing their imaginations and becoming more aware of new real estate options and life possibilities on the Other Side.

There are other situations in which the departed seek information or guidance from the living. When I started studying and practicing shamanism with focused intention, I had many dream visits with shamans from earlier times. Sometimes they gave me instruction; on other occasions they seemed to be seeking guidance or information from me. They had a great deal to teach me, and I was humbled by their wisdom and their commitment to healing the world. But sometimes they, too, seemed to be seeking help and information from me. In terms of linear history, these dream visitors are “dead”. But they are very much alive in my dreams, and I do not believe that the field of these dreams is a postmortem state.

Jung reports some analogous experiences in his memoirs. For example, he describes a dream in which he found himself at “an assemblage of distinguished spirits”. He was asked some complex questions, but the conversation was in Latin and he was embarrassed that his command of this language was not sufficient for him to respond. The dream spurred him to abandon his holiday and rush home on the train to work on an answer to the question. He later concluded that the question had been put to him by “spiritual forefathers in the hope and expectation that they would learn what they had not been able to find out during their time on earth, since the answer had first to be created in the centuries that followed.” [1]

Jung subsequently speculated that “the souls of the dead ‘know’ only what they knew at the moment of death, and nothing beyond that” – contrary to the “traditional views” that the dead possess great knowledge. [2] I think it is certainly entirely possible that after death people try to attain an awareness that may have escaped them during life. But there are other possible explanations for Jung’s experiences. One is that he was actually communicating across time – speaking to people from early periods not in their postmortem state but as they are in their own now time. Frederic Myers trembled on the edge of recognizing this possibility, when he floated the idea of “the permanence or simultaneity of all phenomena in a timeless Universal Soul”. [3].


1 C.G.Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections. Ed. Aniela Jaffé. New York : Vintage, 1965, 307.
2. ibid 308
3. F.W.H .Myers, Human Personality and its Survival of Bodily Death. Volume 2 London: Longmans, Green, 1903, 76

Parts of this article are adapted from Robert Moss, The Dreamer’s Book of the Dead: A Soul Traveler’s Guide to Death, Dying and the Other Side. Published by Destiny Books

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/dreamgates/2010/07/why-the-dead-come-calling.html#ixzz2PXMhfeZi


Any thoughts on this one? I am clueless, unless it’s the The Dead Bring a Warning or Health Advisory thing, because of some head pain I have been having over the passed two years but never went to check what it was. Then I would be fucked. Well, if bleeding would really mean some brain hemorrhage or I don’t know what type of other hemorrhage.


Just for the memories

Enric Durán

Did you ever hear about Enric Durán? No? Here’s the fact: between the summer of 2005 and the spring of 2008, Enric Durán managed to borrow €492,000 ($642,306) from 39 different financial entities. Do you know what he did with all that money? Well, he ploughed it into a number of unspecified anti-capitalist causes and spent the rest on Crisi, a free newspaper that detailed how he’d done what he did and urged others to do the same. Enric spent two months in jail in 2011 and was released pending trial, which was set for earlier this month. His minimum sentence would be eight years.

What now?

VICE: Hey, Enric, what exactly happened with your trial?
Enric Durán: The court accepted my lawyer’s resignation on February 13th, then they told me I had to come to court again on the 18th, but I didn’t go to that. And now it’s not that clear if they can go on further with the case because I haven’t got a new lawyer, so it would be against my rights if they were to continue.

Information and excerpts above from This Guy took out a Gigantic Loan to Destroy the Financial System by Paul Geddis

Enric Duran
Source:  http://www.elpuntavui.cat/ma/article/2-societat/5-societat/621034-enric-duran-torna-a-plantar-el-tribunal.html


And here’s Enric Durán’s blog.

What do you think about this?

In love, in need

In love with the sun.

In need of a change.

Have you ever felt like not being in the mood of doing anything? Especially during cold winter days and/or if winter seems to last forever? Let me tell you something, I am so weather sensitive, that I truly find it hard to think if I don’t like the weather.

Last week we had some 19 degrees Celsius and sunny weather. The world was mine. I felt I could move mountains. This week, we have somewhere around 10 degrees Celsius. No big deal. But oh, the rain and lack of sun just drive me insane.

In love with Asian fashion.

In need of really reinventing my wardrobe.

All images and more, from fuckyeahchinesefashion.

The day before yesterday I received a present from a friend. It is a traditional Chinese summer dress. I absolutely love it. I lack the proper shoes but I’m sure I will find a pair until summer. Since I have lost a lot of weight (for whatever reason I do like this), my Reinvent your Wardrobe project has failed. At least for the moment, since I can’t wear more than half of my clothes, due to looking like this reasons:

dress too big  Anyways, thank you Pintucks and Ruffles for the idea.

By the way, I also love the idea behind New Dress a Day – 365 Days / 365 Dollars

What do you think, should I try to do something like this? I think it would be fun. And consider the huge amount on money I would save! (we have a lot of second-hand stores in Bucharest). I’ll seriously think about something the like.

Zooming in and Groove Armada

I like to use the zoom. Enjoy. Maybe give me some advice? I really like taking pictures (Thank you Weekly Photo Challenge for this).


Weekly Photo Challenge: A Day in My Life

I like this week’s Challenge from The Daily Post! Much.

This is not a normal day in my life, but I would like it to be. This is Braşov, located at about 170 km from Bucharest. This weekend, we decided to take a closer look to Spring and take a trip to Braşov. We hit the road at 2 pm on Saturday and reached Braşov at 4 pm. We took our friend to see the Black Church  (the Black Church is the largest Gothic church between Vienna and Istanbul.) If you want to read more about it, click here. Then we went for a walk through the historic center and then up with the aerial tram to see the city from above (some 950 m altitude). Truth be told, I didn’t have such a good time in months. I’m glad that Winter is gone (forgive me snow, ice, ski, skates, Santa, Jesus for not liking this season very much).

A shame (or maybe not) that we didn’t see any bears, so no pictures of bears. Maybe next time. (although I’d prefer not to). I’ll someday write a post about bears in Romania.


Sex with pleasure

I don’t know if you are familiar with the “Sex Chip” news back in 2008, but if you aren’t, you can read about it at Mark’s TECHNOLOGY News or at Marie Claire UK. Truth be told, I didn’t hear anything new about it ever since.


I get the point. I really do.

Although, the first question going through my head ever since I started my sex life was: What contraceptive method should one use? Or what would be the most accurate and safest method?

Condoms, the Pill, Tubal Ligation and Tubal Implants for women or Vasectomy for men (both tubal stuff and the vasectomy are said to be reversible)? Ah, and there’s still the good old Calendar-Method (reminds me of a friend using it confidently and still remaining pregnant = insert outch). We have so many choices and still, all of them are risky, so specialists.

At first I didn’t think I wanted to get into the condom use thing. But here I am, not being able to resist and asking you, women and men, do you enjoy condom protected sex? Do you think it could somehow be related to the size of the penis? Or uterus? Well, if you don’t want to comment here, you can always answer Le Clown’s question here: Don’t Get Teste With Me.

I’m taking the pill. I don’t like it, but I must, due to another problem that I have (not sex related). I read an interesting article about the Pill, which I am not able to find right now, but you could just ask the Ringmistress at Laments and Lullabies (it was her who linked it). Bottom line, it doesn’t do us women so good.

Having the two most common contraceptive methods covered, I would dare to ask, have you ladies ever thought about going for tubal ligation / tubal implants or you guys for vasectomy? What? It is just a question! Don’t shoot.


Ah, and Happy Easter!





To kill or not to kill

It all started many years ago. I was young and in love. Little did I know that I was about to find out very soon how physically deteriorating and psychically damaging an act of killing was. He was about to find that out, too. We were both involved . From the beginning until the very end. We didn’t have to do it, although we were sure that we had no other choice than to become those cold blooded murderers we were despising.

Then the big day came. We had prepared meticulously for everything. It didn’t have to be a big deal, we thought. I had a moment of altruism the night before the kill, so I told him I would do it alone, only to see the relieved look in his eyes and to hear him mumble a thank you. I was somehow happy that I had made that choice.

As I approached the cabinet, I began to doubt our decision. We were young, we had our entire lives in front of us, but despite not being a religious person, I somehow felt sorry for the little life growing inside me. When I entered, the doctor, a very calm and candid person tried to comfort me and he convinced me it was the best decision. Truth be told, I did have a mammography history happening not long before the pregnancy. Nobody could guarantee that there would be no problems.

Bottom line, I had it done. He came and picked me up after 1 hour. It was that fast. We were murderers. We felt bad for a while. Then the pain vanished. You know why? Because each time I think about how it would have been, I can’t stop thinking about these children:

Food distribution in Marasesti

feed the hungry


click photos to read more

And no, I don’t feel bad. I actually feel good because I chose not to offer my child a childhood full of problems,  grown-up stuff, starvation and misery. It was my choice and I don’t repent it. And yeah, I do think that protected sex sucks and that taking pills also sucks, but that’s the topic of tomorrow.

Two years ago I got radiated in the dark, death announcing hallways of the basement in the hospital my father was having his chemo and radiotherapy done.

I was pregnant. The doctor told me nobody would guarantee that the child would come out healthy. The he asked us that we thought about it and give him a call. I can only say the second time wasn’t easier than the first time. I had the second abortion.

Reading this articleI wonder, do you really think that an abortion should only then be considered to be somehow ethical when either the mother or the child are in jeopardy? Is it only when being able to state that regardless of the decision, one life will be lost and one saved that we can say an abortion were somewhat okay? What if the danger meant not knowing if the child will be okay? Were you to be told there were, say, 10% risk that your child will be born with a severe brain damage or a dysfunctional organ, or worse would you still choose of letting the fetus live?

Iraqi baby, a victim of DU, born with no nose, mouth, eyes, anus or genitals and with flipper limbs, a common result of radiation exposure in utero. Photo by Karen Robinson

click photo to read more

Here some interesting pros and cons.

And here with this nice headline: If You’re Holding A Sign With An Aborted Fetus On It, You’d Better Be Able To Answer This Question (thank you meizac for this one), something to really think about before you decide if you would be for or against abortion being illegal.


So, should abortion be legal or illegal? What do you think?

Disclaimer: this is not intended to reflect my entire opinion regarding this subject.




Weekly Photo Challenge: Future Tense

Dreams. Wishes. Promises. Choices. They all lead to a future us. There is no step back in terms of time. Hours pass. Hours never go back. I loved clocks and hourglasses ever since I can remember.

The first hourglass I received was a present from my aunt. It was March. I was 7. I still have it.

My great grandfather died. We received his old longcase clock and put it in my room. It was October. I was 14. I still miss the sound of the pendullum and the clock striking the hours.


My mother died. It was November. I was 22. Her first wristwatch isn’t functional anymore. I need to fix it.

About the same age as I was when she passed away. See the watch? I still have it!


My father died. It was May. It was his birthday. I was 26. The cuckoo clock in the hallway was striking 12 pm.

fourty something
2 years before he died. Butterfly effect?


Nobody died. It was July. I was 28. I received a new clock pendant from R. and I love it.

Clock Pendant
My clock pendant



It was two weeks ago. I am almost 29. She is almost 3.

little rascal
Irma, the little rascal


There are no things more pregnant in terms of future and time than clocks and hourglasses. Each second passing by, means that we have gone a little bit further, that we are closer to our dreams, to our wishes, to our promises, to the outcome of our choices. I couldn’t imagine life without dreams. As I couldn’t imagine life without hope.

At first, we are the little darlings to our parents. Then we grow up to be the darlings to our soul mates. We get a bit older and our children are our universe. We get old and we are again the darlings of our soul mates. Until we die. Or they die. Our entire lives are made of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. Many or few. Happy or sad. It doesn’t really matter as long as our lives are for real, our feelings are for real and we don’t stop believing in the future.

Your future means your parents and grandparents and great grandparents and their parents and grandparents and great grandparents a.s.o. continuing to exist through the genes they have passed along to you. Genes stand for generations and generations stand for time. Clocks measure time, hence clocks stand for the past and for the present and for the future.

Could we manage to live in the present and in the future, then the past wouldn’t stand a chance in affecting us. Unfortunately that is sometimes hard to accomplish and often easier said than done.

Revenge is stupid


Have you ever wanted so badly to have revenge that you couldn’t see beyond your anger and frustration? Well, I think when I say been there, done that, I can actually act like I were speaking for some of you. Or not? Okay, this would mean I am indeed wrecked.

This morning I woke up with the frustrating thought, that my gravatar looks shitty. How could it not look shitty, if it was just a scanned piece of paper on which I, without having the necessary time nor the patience or skills, have one day scribbled something? So I came up with a new gravatar, made in Illustrator, which looks like the above, only a lot smaller, so it is very hard to be distinguished as a gravatar. But I still like it more than the old one.

Coming back to revengeful people, I am certainly not the kind of person who seeks revenge. At least not when thinking about real human beings. Instead, I can be the most revengeful person who is constantly looking for revenge when thinking about myself. Or about the things that I wish to do, but never have time or money or both. It’s those moments of frustration that could easily kill me. And I don’t even find that odd. What is your opinion, could this kind of revenge be seen as stupid? ‘Cause I really can’t tell.

I wouldn’t call it a revenge on gravatar or Illustrator yet, but I certainly want to improve my knowledge of Illustrator and try to work on a suitable avatar/gravatar/image so that I can get over the dumb look on my face when seeing my own gravatar.

And for the record, revenge of any kind is still stupid.